


None At All

by marelicarter (padmefuckingamidala)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bucky McFucking LOVES the reader so JOT THAT DOWN, Bucky is a good uncle, Cancer, F/M, Fuck Tagging is Hard, Infertility, Marriage Proposal, Rebecca could be better, i guess you could call it that, let's put it that way, no one is a hero
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 17:32:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padmefuckingamidala/pseuds/marelicarter
Summary: She doesn't want kids, no matter how wonderful Bucky is with them.And then, she gets sick. She still doesn't change her mind, but she's robbed of choice.





	None At All

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago, but I didn't repost it when I deleted my tumblr. I was thinking about writing a cute part two if anyone is interested :)

She’s never wanted to children. Her childhood was cold and loveless, and she feels like she could never raise a child, caring for its behavioral needs while giving the child love and--it’s messed up. Everyone says that, it’s messed up. Her clock is ticking, because apparently her vagina is a time bomb, and if she waits much longer she won’t have any kids.

But she doesn’t want to miss out on her own time. She doesn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night and take care of a crying sack of flesh until dawn breaks through the dark curtains and constellations of the night. She doesn’t want to kiss Bucky only to have a little demon interrupt them with a diaper full of shit. Kids are messy and obnoxious and she realizes why her parents never loved her. Kids are the fucking worst, and she absolutely does not want them.

Every now and then, however, she’ll see Bucky--her Bucky, her thick, muscular, brooding, resting bitch-faced Bucky--holding a baby. This man, good Lord, give her strength. He cooes at babies, tickling their tummies until they scream with laughter, blowing raspberries into their chubby cheeks and pretending to nibble on their toes. Babies love Bucky, especially scruffy Bucky. With a few days of beard and stubble, babies love to wiggle their head under his chin and kick their sensitive feel along his scruff.

It’s Rebecca, his sister with twins, that mentions the horrid topic at a Barnes family get-together “You’d better give that man a baby,” she says teasingly, watching as her little boy Adam howls with laughter as Bucky swings him to the side. “He’ll hop right on to the next one if you wait too much longer.”

The words hurt. She knew Rebecca didn’t mean anything by it, she was just joking, but Y/N laughs and excuses herself to the restroom where she bites her tongue and holds back the tears. A few escape and her eyes are red, an easy giveaway, but she soon recovers and makes her way back downstairs where she watches Bucky crawl along the floor as a pretend horse, with Adam and his brother Jacob on his back.

It breaks her heart worse at her doctor's appointment. It was just a check-up, but after running some tests after a complaint of pain, it was discovered there was a small, well, tumor. Lucky, the doctors say. She’s lucky, she’s blessed, they found it early. Her heart beats fast, and she asks, confused, “Wait, I’m sorry. Found what?”

“You have ovarian cancer.”

Ovarian cancer. What? She shakes her head at first, because, no, that’s not logical. It’s not possible, it doesn’t make sense at all. But the doctor explains it, and explains the procedure, and she gets so nervous she chokes on a sob and flings herself off of the bed to vomit into the trash can. The doctor pats her back soothingly and offers to call someone for her, but no. She’s so fucking nervous she doesn’t want to think about it.

The first time she tries to tell Bucky, he’s overexcited. He’s going on about some amazing work opportunity, a new project he and Steve are working on and the possibility of a promotion. She decides to scrap the horrible news, but the business card for the doctor is burning a hole in her pocket. She doesn’t have much time if she wants to get treated before it spreads too far.

The second time, he’s beautiful. That’s it. He’s overly beautiful, like an angel, and she can’t take than innocence away from him. She curls up next to him and pretends that everything’s alright.

Third time’s the charm. They’re about to have sex, and she’s nervous as hell. It had been a bit uncomfortable the past few times, and now she knows why--the cancer. But after really intense oral, Bucky was lined up to press into her, to make love to her until she screamed his name, and she didn’t want to argue. Her legs fall limp and he presses into her. He thrusts are paced and easy, but the pain is there. It’s good but sore, and finally, before she realizes it, he slams into her and she chokes on a sob. She’s crying and pushing against his chest, legs squeezing together in an attempt to get him out and away, to stop the pain--most of it is in her head, the fears of having such a potentially fatal disease, but she cries as if she’s been burnt and doesn’t stop until Bucky pulls the condom off, throws it against the wall, and scrambles to hold her face.

Easy as that. He looks at her, speaking, “Hey, hey, shhh, darling, it’s okay. We’re done, okay? No more, we’re done, baby, look at me. Shhhh, shhh, baby, you’re okay, I just need you to look at me. Talk to me, baby, please.”

She sobs against his chest as he pulls the blanket over them. 

“Baby, I’m sorry,” he whispers in her ear, rubbing her back softly as she calms down. “Please, you need to tell me what I did wrong so I don’t do it next time.”

“It wasn’t you,” she says shakily. “I… it hurt.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll be easy next time, I--”

“It’s not because of you.”

His face lights up in excitement, a clear misinterpretation of the situation unfolding. “Y/N, are you pregnant?”

She shakes her head. It feels horrible--he obviously wants a baby, and she’s so fucking worried that Rebecca was right, and that he’ll leave her if she doesn’t give him one soon. The fear of that plus the disease hurts her heart worse. “I have cancer.”

Bucky says nothing. She continues, “I found out a few days ago. I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s in my ovaries and that’s why sex has been a bit uncomfortable, which they said was surprising since it’s so early, and--please don’t cry.”

She watches as Bucky’s face crumbles. “I… Y/N, why didn’t you tell me before? You shouldn’t have carried that around by yourself, I’m here to be that shoulder to rest on.”

“You were so happy about the possible promotion, and I…” She sniffles and wipes her tears away. “I hate being the debbie-downer.”

The rest of the night is filled with tears, kisses, cuddles, and twelve hours of sleep. They needed it anyways. She lies against his chest and wonders how she got so lucky to have a sweetheart like him, someone that is willing to drop everything after a bombshell like that and hold her, but nothing sweet lasts forever.

After the surgery, she sits in bed and the doctor comes to greet her. Bucky had stepped outside for a coffee run and she’s thankful for that, for him missing the sad look on the doctor’s face and the horrible clench in your gut. “I’m sorry, Miss Y/L/N,” the doctor says sadly, voice soft and raspy. “Due to a complication in the surgery, you won’t be able to have children. We thought we could avoid damaging the reproductive system further, but it had spread a bit, and we didn’t want to take any chance. As of now, you’re cured, but we’re sorry about this… loss.”

She doesn’t feel sad about it until Bucky walks back in ten minutes later with coffee, a cup of milk for her, and a two bagels. Bucky will never be a father, at least by her. She wipes her tears on the back of her hand and tries to savor what time she has left, before he leaves to find a whole woman that can give him a child. 

It comes into play a little later. They’re not married, but Bucky wants to propose. They talk about it at Mr. and Mrs. Barnes’ over dinner one evening, with Becca and her husband John talking clearly about the thrills of parenthood. “Are you planning on children?” Rebecca asks. “Or did you want to marry first?”

“I’m waiting for things to calm down,” Bucky says. “I don’t want to propose during a busy week. I want us to enjoy the moment. And kids, well, I mean, that’d be fun! We would have to talk about it, though. I’m not sure we can juggle kids in with our jobs, but hey, we have time.”

“Not too much,” Mr. Barnes says. “You know, your mum reads those women's magazines, and they say that having kids too late is bad for you. Of course, you two do have a few years of wiggle room, but you don’t want to wait too long and have complications, do you?”

Rebecca makes a face and looks back to Y/N. “Maybe you’ll get lucky and have a boy! I can give you all of the old baby stuff I used for Adam and Jake. Some of it’s green and yellow, you can use it if you have a girl, too. Bucky, how can you wait this long? You’re so cute with babies, why don’t you start a family now?”

They bicker back and forth, the talk of babies and families too much on her heart. It goes unnoticed until Mrs. Barnes looks at her and asks quietly, “Are you alright?”

She doesn’t know what comes over her. The fork falls from her hand and clatters to the plate, heart beating rapidly in her chest, tears threatening to spill over--she takes a breath and, looking straight at Bucky’s mother, says in a wavering voice, just above a normal speaking volume, “I’m not able to have kids.”

All conversation stops. Mrs. Barnes reaches across the table to hold her hand, and she lets her, finally breaking and letting the tears drip one by one. Bucky stiffens beside her. No one says anything, and so she continues. “The surgery took that from me and I’m so afraid Rebecca’s right and James is going to leave me for someone that can give him a baby.”

A feud is so close to breaking out, and before she can be pummeled with questions, she pushes her chair back and just leaves. Straight out the front door, out to the car--forget the shoes, forget her jacket, forget everything. She takes off and drives until she can’t hear her sobs anymore and until she can’t drive anymore. She ends up on the shore, walking through the sand and pebbles in her bare feet until she hits a small pier, and that’s where she cries.

The truth is out and she wonders what will happen from there. Bucky will kick her out of the apartment, dump her, and find someone that can give him a child. She has no right to take fatherhood away from him. She was doomed from the start, as soon as she fell for him, but the hole in her heart craves him. She loves him, and wishes she was able to suffer through motherhood for him. She would do anything for him.

She doesn’t know how long she sits on the pier and cries. Her throat becomes sore and she’s slouching, nearly doubled over—she thinks, maybe she’ll sit there forever, ignoring the world around her and becoming part of the beach. If she crumbles into sand, Bucky doesn’t need to break up with her. The words she fears would never be said, and she could breathe easy.

The sky turns dark, and suddenly, a voice speaks from behind her, just as smooth as the horizon before her. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

She doesn’t turn, out of fear of crying harder. “Because I thought I could hold on to you a bit longer.”

“I’m not going to leave you.”

She nearly chokes. “Bucky, I can’t give you something you want so fucking bad. I don’t even feel sad about the child thing, I’ve never wanted kids. But you do, and it kills me to know I’ve failed you.”

“All I want is you,” he says gently. “You don’t owe me anything. A child is not the price you have to pay for my love, doll, and I’m sorry if I made you feel this way.”

When she finally turns to look at him, he’s not standing. He has a small lamp beside him, serving as the only light source for you to see him as he kneels, a small box in his hands, and inside, a ring. It’s gorgeous, leaves her breathless, causes more tears to form. The ring is white gold, thin, plain, with a single diamond in a high setting right in the middle. It was plain and perfect, too elegant and simple. She covers her mouth and fights more tears.

“Bucky…”

“I love you,” he says. “I love you more than anything. I’m so thankful I’ve found you. I want to wake up every morning with you and come home to you every night. Darling, I love you. I wouldn’t trade you for anything. Please marry me?”

She cries and nods and wraps her arms around his neck, kissing him through all the tears. The ring is slipped on her finger and she’s pulled back into a warm embrace. Sad tears turn into tears of happiness, of hope and content, of love. Night settles around them with a slight chill and a thought of what could have been. “You’re not upset?”

“There’s no need to be a dad when I can just be the best uncle in the world,” he tells her, shrugging off his jacket to drape over her shoulders. “Plus, we’ll have the best sleep schedules in the world because we don’t have to wake up a million times for crying babies. And I get to cuddle you whenever I want and take you out to fancy dinners and kiss you on impromptu beach dates at night…”

“This counts as a date?”

“It should. I did propose, you know.”

She laughs, still a bit hoarse from crying, and leans against him, perfectly content to sit there and watch the water with him. “You did, I’ll give you that, I guess.”

He kisses the side of her head and they sit peacefully for a few more moments. 

When they stand to leave, she looks up at him and finds his eyes through the faint glow of the lamp. “Can we make a cheesy engagement announcement tomorrow?”

“Of course,” he answers, kissing the tip of her nose. “I already have Steve on call for cheesy pictures.”

“Perfect.”


End file.
